By Leonie Taylor
When we hear the word “trauma”, we often think of extreme events like war, natural disasters and violence. Whilst these experiences are certainly traumatic, trauma itself is not just about big or dramatic events.
In simple terms, trauma isn’t the event itself.
It’s the emotional repercussion that the experience leaves behind in someone.
Two people could go through the same event but be affected in very different ways. One may feel okay over time, whilst the other may be anxious, shaken or changed by it long after the event occurred.
Trauma is About Feeling Overwhelmed
Trauma often happens when something feels too scary or too much to cope with whilst it’s happening.
It can occur after a one-off event, like a sudden loss, but it can also come from smaller but still extremely significant events that happen over and over again, such as:
· Being shouted at often
· Feeling unsafe emotionally
· Not having someone to comfort you when you’re upset
· Growing up with lots of conflict at home
It’s also crucial to understand that trauma can come from what DIDN’T happen.
A child who rarely receives any comfort when they’re upset may feel just as affected as a child who has experienced more obvious struggles. It’s important to remember that emotional needs matter just as much as someone’s physical safety.
Trauma is not about comparing whose experience is “worse”. It’s about the feelings of the person who has gone through the event.
The Nervous System Learns from Experience
When something feels overwhelming or dangerous, the body will automatically try to protect us. This is not something that we can choose; it just happens naturally.
Most of us will respond in these common ways:
· Fight- when you try to defend yourself against the problem
· Flight- trying to escape the problem
· Freeze- when the body shuts down out of fear
· Fawn- trying to please others to avoid conflict
These are survival responses, not bad behaviour. We usually develop these during childhood or when we face stressful situations, as a way of coping.
The problem can be that the body sometimes doesn’t know how to switch off this “protection” even when the danger is over. This is why someone may feel stronger emotions in situations that seem small to others.
Examples of this can be conflict being overwhelming to someone who grew up feeling they had to walk on eggshells or silence feeling like rejection to someone who has experienced emotional neglect.
These reactions are not overreactions. They are learned responses from past experiences.
How Trauma Can Often Shape Self-Belief
Challenging experiences can affect how we think about ourselves; over time, some people may start to believe:
· “I’m not good enough”
· “My feelings don’t matter”
· “I must keep everyone happy”
These thoughts are not chosen on purpose; they often form as a way of coping or making sense of what has happened.
A child who was criticised is often more likely to become self-critical as an adult. A child who was ignored is more likely to hide their feelings. A child who had to be quiet to avoid trouble is more likely to struggle standing up for themselves.
These are the patterns that once helped a person get through a challenging stage in their life, but later down the line they become challenging or limiting.
Trauma isn’t Always Visible:
Many who have experienced trauma are still able to manage daily life well. They may go to work, take care of others and appear “fine” on the outside.
However, inside they may feel numb or disconnected, constantly worried or overwhelmed by small things.
Trauma doesn’t always look obvious. It can present as:
· Anger or being irritable
· People pleasing
· Not being able to relax
These behaviours are coping mechanisms that we develop over time.
Trauma Awareness for Parents:
When parents understand trauma, it changes the way they respond to behaviour. Instead of viewing a child’s actions as “difficult”, it becomes possible to ask, “What is my child thinking or feeling right now?”
Children who act out could be overwhelmed. Children who shut down may feel unsafe. Children who become clingy may be anxious. Our behaviour is often a form of communication.
For a child, it’s a way of showing what they are feeling underneath.
Understanding this doesn’t mean excusing bad behaviour or removing boundaries. It means responding to them with a clear structure and compassion.
Healing is About Finding Safety, Not Forgetting:
Healing from a traumatic experience doesn’t mean we need to pretend it didn’t happen. Instead, it means making the present moment feel safer and more manageable.
Healing can look like:
· Learning how to manage big feelings
· Being kinder to yourself
· Learning how to trust in relationships again
· Understanding emotional reactions
Healing can take time; it’s not a straight path. Some days will feel easier, whilst others may bring up old feelings.
This is normal, and your progress is not lost because one difficult day has happened.
Connection is Key:
One of the most important parts of healing is having a safe connection.
People begin to feel better when they are:
· Heard
· Understood
· Supported
· Safe
For a child, this often comes from consistent care, calm responses and emotional support from adults.
For an adult, this can come from a relationship, therapy or supportive communities.
Healing is not about being perfect, but about feeling more connected and less alone with your experiences.
Understanding Brings Compassion
Many behaviours that parents see in children, or even themselves, are not random.
They often come from past experiences where a person was trying to cope, protect or survive emotionally.
When we begin to understand trauma in this way, it makes it easier to respond with patience instead of judgement.
Trauma is not simply the event, but the emotional imprint left behind.
With understanding, safety and support, that imprint can begin to change over time.
